There is a belief that all our traumas come from childhood or from our parents. In fact, this is not true, we can encounter traumatic situations in adulthood, but childhood traumas are usually much deeper.
Most people have heard of J. Bowlby’s Attachment Theory: every child needs the protection of an adult, because they cannot take care of themselves. Doctors note that children who did not have a significant attachment to an adult had a serious developmental delay, sometimes leading to death. This effect is called the “Hospitalism Effect”. The loss of an adult is effectively equivalent to death, so a child who has parents or guardians will adapt so that adults do not leave them alone.
There is no child who has not been traumatized by their parents, no matter how good they are. After all, the child’s wishes often do not coincide with what will be best or safest for him. But there are also parents who, for various reasons, have hurt their children: beaten, insulted, shouted, left them negative messages. Sometimes, at first glance, good messages are not so in the long run. All these actions hurt the child, leaving a wound on his personality.
Important: It is not only parents/guardians who can leave these wounds. It can also be coaches, teachers, close relatives, peers (i.e. important people).
To somehow cope with the pain, the child forms a kind of “protective shell”: various types of protective behavior. Mom says that I have to be an excellent student, and if I get A’s, she will scold me? I will do everything as best as possible. My parents fight and argue with each other, and if I intervene, I can get “under the hot hand”? I will close myself in my room, I will play games with headphones so that I don’t get hurt.
And certain beliefs and rules are formed that must be followed, for example, “I have to be the best, no matter what it costs me, otherwise I’m bad, not worthy of love,” “Sometimes it’s hard with people, it’s better to avoid them,” etc.
There are many varieties of these destructive coping strategies (aggressive behavior, avoidance, dissociation, perfectionism, etc.). These strategies were useful in childhood, they gave us the opportunity to survive, but in adulthood they are frankly harmful to us. For example, in the first case, the girl will never be satisfied with herself, will have exhaustion because she takes on too much work, etc.
The dangerous situation is no longer there (you have already grown up), but the behavior is there: emotionally, you seem to still be experiencing those traumatic situations, although cognitively you understand that you have already grown up.
Often, a person unconsciously transfers the image of important adults to other important figures in their adult independent life: a partner, teacher, manager, etc. A protective program is activated that protected them in childhood, but is not helpful now. Problems at work? I will turn off my phone, lock myself in the house, play games.
Difficulties in relationships with a partner? I will try my best for him so that he does not fall out of love with me. This behavior is holding me back, preventing me from being a truly happy person. To cope with this, you need to emotionally realize that the dangerous situation is over, and also form new strategies for behavior in crisis situations. This is a difficult path, which psychotherapy can help you with.